• Weed Jokes and Funny Marijuana Jokes


A collection of funny jokes about marijuana to share with your friends or other potheads.

*Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
Because pot holder was taken.

*How do you know your a pothead?
You studied five days for a urine test

*How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?

*What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
Mr. President.

*Police Officer: "How high are you?
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

*What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka?
The Holy Spirit!

*What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

*How do fish party?

*What is Reality?
An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.

*A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!"
The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"
The stoner says "DUH, in a big red truck!"

*Why did the stoner cross the street?
His dealer lived on the other side.

*If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
The cop!

*Marijuana Party Joke"
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.
The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"
The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

*Two Stoned Hippies Joke
Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says "This is a really long fucking staircase!
The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low fucking handrail that's killing me."

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes, how can we help you sir?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but cant find any marijuana.
They swore at Bob and left.
The phone rings at Bob's house.
Hey, Bob! Did the FBI come?" said his best friend
"Did they chop your firewood?" his best friend asked
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!" his best friend replied

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

OK, so… it’s Jesus and he sees that planet earth is going down the drain and the reason is because so many people die because of something called… drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus… The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him “What did you find Johnny boy?” John: “I’ve got some funny stuff, that’s called hash…” Jesus: “Oh yeah? Let me try it to see what makes people like it…” he tries it and… he likes it! Then Paul comes with some cocaine… Jesus tries it and he likes that too!!! Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus is fucking stoned… He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile… “Sssooooo….. Judas, my brother” he says, “What did you bring?” Judas: “Err… I brought the cops…”

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question. To he first he said “what was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied “Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man” so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door. To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied “oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man”. So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door. The third man’s answer to the question was “oh man I just LOVE weed! I'm high all the time man and I can’t live without it!”. The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you’ve ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying “see you in 100 years”. 100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man’s room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man’s door and the man came running out of the room and cried “IM GAY! IM GAY!”. Finally the devil came to the third man’s room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; “hey man, got a light?”

A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, “What time is it?” The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, “It’s 4:20.” The stranger said, “You’re sure it’s 4:20?” The stoner lifted up his horse’s balls again and said, “Yup, its 4:20!” The guy says, “How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse’s balls?” The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, “You see that clock over there?”

*What is the difference between politicians and stoners?
Politicians don't inhale…they just suck.

*How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb.
Screw it, we got lighters

*How do you hide money from a hippie?
Put it under the soap.

*How did the pothead burn his ear?
He answered the phone while ironing his clothes.

*How do you get an one-armed hippie out of a tree?
Hold out a joint.

*What do you get when you eat marijuana?
A pot belly

*Hear about the stoner who put his condom on backwards?
He went

*What do you call one bowl between three Stoners?

*What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?
Double jointed

*What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock?
A Liar

*How do you know when you have smoked enough pot?
When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter

*What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?